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June 18th, 2008
by Trisha
I loved this list from A Lady’s Guide to Life on getting over a bad break-up:-
• Keep hope alive
• Wallow, but then stop wallowing
• Focus on the process of getting better
• Act happy before you feel happy
• Give yourself advice you’d give your best friend
• Learn what you can and move on
• Get up again
• Dance!
To read the whole article click here.
June 16th, 2008
by Trisha
One thing has really struck me when it comes to choosing what kind of presence you want on Facebook, other social networking sites or internet dating sites are the appalling pictures that people post. So I have drawn up a list of do’s and don’ts.
- Don’t leave that big question mark or blank on your profile. If you really want to hide that much maybe this isn’t the right place for you
- Don’t use any of the following: cartoons, sayings, fantasy figures or a picture of a film star – this is just another kind of shrinking away from allowing you to be seen.
- Don’t post a picture of yourself in a group. Who am I supposed to be looking at? I know all you parents like sometimes to include your children but in the profile is not the place. You can always add photographs later to your album.
- Don’t wear big flopping hats, sun glasses or use a picture where you are in deep shade or a dark room – what is that all about!
- Don’t choose a photo where you are so far from the camera the tree in the foreground looks more interesting than you!
- Do realise that this is safe – nobody can have any more details about you than you are willing to give.
- Do offer people the best possible image of you, one with an open face, in focus and close enough for someone to get an impression of you.
- Do change your picture from time to time – it is a way for the site to notice you and bring you to the top of the list
- Do ask your friends to help you with this. They can always whip out the digital camera and take a few new shots for you. Have a glass of wine first!
- Do consider the image you are sharing with the world and what it says about you. Whether you like it or not your photo is the first thing people see and respond to.
P.S. I can tell you now that I almost fell in love with my partner immediately from his photo. It was so open and engaging that I just had to read more… and you know the rest. So go out there and get seen!
May 26th, 2008
by Trisha
This is the final level of consciousness when you are much much more aware of what is below the surface for you.
Conscious (aware of the big picture)
This is when you humbly understand that "you don’t know what you don’t know," and realize that there may be more to a situation than you can see or understand at the time. You are aware of your goal and do your best to learn more about the situation and examine your options to make the best possible choice.
If life is like an iceberg, when you’re conscious you realize that you need to know more about what’s under the surface before making your choices about how to proceed.
Key Dating Strategy #3. Be supportable - with enough help you can do anything!
We’re human, and no-one is successful alone. You need to be conscious of your support needs and proactively seek to get them met.
Continually ask yourself what help you need and who can help you. When you have set clear relationship goals for yourself – that’s right those where you will not allow yourself to repeat the patterns of the past – share these with a close friend. Someone who will be prepared to say to you Hey didn’t you say that you weren’t going to date someone who…. It’s far easier when you are prepared to let a friend support you in your highest hopes and dreams!
May 23rd, 2008
by Trisha
The other day I was talking about different states of consciousness well today lets look at:-
Semi-conscious (aware of what’s in front of you)
This is when you’re sure you know what’s what. You believe that your stories (beliefs, interpretations, etc) and sensory perceptions (see, hear, feel, etc) are true and correct.
If life is like an iceberg, when you’re semi-conscious you’re aware of the iceberg and truly believe you know how to avoid it. Then you crash again and sink because it’s larger than you thought.
On a relationship level people often find that they repeat the same patterns. You are aware that there are patterns but not how to get out of them.
Key Dating Strategy #2. Stay focused on what’s important to you- don’t settle for less
Most people "lead lives of quiet desperation." They want to be happy, but don’t know how and don’t think it’s possible. However, the Law of Attraction can work for you or against you, and if you expect less, you’ll get less.
Go after what you really want in your life and assume you can find the choices needed to be successful if you’re looking for them. With relationships don’t settle for “good enough” repeating the patterns of the past. Decide to go for who and what you want and keep faith with yourself during the journey!
May 21st, 2008
by Trisha
Whether it be about food or about dating and finding your life partner ultimately it is all about raising your consciousness. Think about an iceberg. Often you live your life only aware of the tiny tip of who you are and what you want - that little bit above the surface.
Becoming conscious is about becoming aware of all the stuff which is below the surface. Particularly if you have had relationship problems in the past perhaps it is time to do some diving! If you don’t want your dating and relationship life to end up like the Titanic maybe it is time to take on board some important ideas that will help you build a dating strategy.
What does it mean to be "Conscious?"
Unconscious (awake but unaware)
This is when you forget where you put your keys, leave the headlights on and are surprised by a dead battery, drive past your motorway exit, etc. You’re simply not paying attention.
If life is like an iceberg, when you’re unconscious you crash and sink before you see it. Is it surprising really that if you go on the way you have you will probably experience in relationships what you have always experienced.
Key Dating Strategy #1. Be clear about who you are and what you want
What’s the purpose of your life? What is your Vision for your life, work, and relationships? What are your requirements, needs, and wants in any situation?
Strive to lower the waterline on the iceberg to achieve the clarity you need to be motivated and empowered. You will only do this if you are prepared to go beyond what appears on the surface.
Check in for the other 2 key dating strategies…
May 8th, 2008
by Trisha
“My overall experience of men has been disappointing but I still seem to be hooked…I’m still up for more disappointment”.
Annie Lennox
Setting Yourself Up For Relationship Problems
 It is a sad reflection of our experience when even a famous, successful and talented person like Annie Lennox feels that the only thing that she can expect from a relationship is disappointment. So many of us have, at sometime, had our foundations rocked. However, if you set yourself up for future relationship problems then guess what? That is what you will get in the future. It’s time to “Stop Kissing Frogs”!
Being Single & Staying Single
Because you have been disappointed in relationships you become more and more fearful of allowing yourself to be vulnerable yet again. Often this means that you draw into yourself and fill your life with other things. You kid yourself that you are OK and can live life without a relationship. After all, why would you want to be hurt again? Or you read all the dating dos & don’ts, but it still doesn’t make any difference.
I have recently been talking to a lot of women about their biggest dating and relationship issues. Fear of being hurt has been the most repeated theme. Many describe how they have taken themselves completely out of the ‘dating scene’ because they have become so cautious.
Uncovering Your Personal Dating Dos & Don’ts
When I work with single women one of the most enlightening parts of the work is when we visit their past relationship histories. This not only covers their romantic experiences but those with their parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues. What they come to realise is that there are often deep seated patterns that they have been repeating throughout their adult lives. In relationship coaching we uncover these patterns and have women become conscious about them.
August 7th, 2006
by Trisha
Men find relationships difficult too. This month I thought that you might appreciate knowing that men have their issues around relationships and wanted to share some insights with you.
Time To Take Stock
Steve is in his 40s and has had one marriage and one long-term relationship. In the way that he describes these experiences I had the impression that he had just drifted into both of these. He has been single again for a number of years and clearly doesn’t have much trouble attracting women. But he now is very cautious about getting into relationships and professes that he doesn’t understand how people ‘negotiate’ them.
Talking more with him revealed that he not only does he not know what he wants in a relationship but he does not know what he wants in his life generally. Get the trend; I hear a general tendency here.
Stop Relationship Drift & Find a Dating Strategy
Most of you will recognise the pattern and have probably been in this situation at sometime in your past. You meet someone; find them attractive and enjoyable company. Before you know it you are in a relationship. This feels fine for a while but then little niggles start to emerge. If you are honest with yourself there were niggles right at the beginning but hey you were having fun so you ignored these.
It all starts to feel quite uncomfortable. You have been with this person for a while and an emotional connection has been established. Often you tell yourself that you cannot expect everything to be perfect and should just settle for ‘good enough’. My alarm bells are ringing now. In this situation you have quickly drifted into a ‘mini-marriage’ without realising how that has come about. Time to stop the drift. But it is difficult because of the emotional involvement.
Dating Dos & Don’ts
It is most important to do some thinking before you get into the next relationship.
1. What do you really want your life to be like? I am asking what you want your WHOLE life to look like not just relationships. Take some timeout to give yourself space to think about this. Find a quiet place to write down what you know you want. There may be some areas of life that you are not clear about. If this is the case think about what hasn’t worked in the past and why. This will give you important information for the future.
2. What kind of relationship do you want? No holes barred here. Not what would be ‘good enough’ but the best you can imagine. Again past relationships will give you keys to what is essential for you.
3. What patterns have occurred in the past? We are all creatures of habit and never more so that in relationships. If you have always gone for a certain type of person think about why that doesn’t work for you. Concentrate on all types of relationships, family, friends, colleagues; what works for you in these? It may be that for some reason you expect romantic relationships to be different from those in the rest of your life. Perhaps it is time to break the habit.
Stop Negotiating – Start Choosing
When you have done these exercises you have probably discovered things that you have not allowed yourself to notice or acknowledge before. Success in relationships is like success in any other part of life. It is important to be conscious about what works and what doesn’t. Becoming more aware of our own patterns allows you to make more informed choices in the future.
The bottom line is not to get involved in any future relationships that repeat the patterns of the past no matter how attracted you are to the person.
Back to Steve. If he does this work he will be much clearer when the next possible relationship comes along. He will be able, in the early days of the relationship, to notice whether there are issues. If any issues are present he will know that he shouldn’t get into a deeper relationship with this person. In this way he can short circuit the emotional pain that is caused when breaking away from an established relationship.
Steve no longer has to feel he has to ‘negotiate’ issues early on because he will not have allowed himself to get drawn in. Being clear and responsible about your relationship makes you ‘The Chooser’ as well as the chosen. This works for all of us both men and women. Give yourself permission to want and seek a relationship that is right for you and not just ‘good enough’.
June 7th, 2006
by Trisha
You are a single woman who is frustrated because your life and relationships are humdrum and mundane. Time to make some changes. What are you really passionate about? What makes your heart sing? Are you waiting for a relationship to make your life begin? It’s time to step out of your comfort zone and begin to live a life that has energy and momentum.
Step 1 – Move out of Indecisive
As a singles relationship coach many of the women I speak to are indecisive about their lives and particularly about relationships. They seem to be in a rut and don’t know how to find the time, energy or focus to have their lives be different.
Ask yourself the question; is my life as I would like it to be? Do I have a picture of how I want my life to look in a year, 2 years, 5 years? I suggest that if you want you life to be different you first have to start with your own vision. Part of this vision will probably include a relationship.
So Step 1 is to build your vision, give yourself time and space to do this – get yourself a notebook, look at all areas of your life, including relationships, and write down how you would life to look.
Step 2 – Moving from trying to doing
Part of the problem for single women is that you do not know how to make the changes in your attitudes and actions. Quite a lot of the time I hear women say that they will ‘try’ to do something. Have you ever just tried to pick up a cup? Just trying ends in failure because you will not complete the action.
So now you have a vision how are you going to make this happen? How are you going to convert trying into doing?
Step 2 is about learning not just to dip your toe in the water but to make the first step. Look at the work you have done on your vision and ask yourself what is the one thing I can do today which will move me towards that vision? This action will often be very small but it is a step taken and achieved. Keep repeating this step and things will start to happen.
Step – 3 Change
Change is not half-hearted, it has energy and dynamism. It is about having a headline for your life that says “I know where I am heading and I am walking in that direction”. So in Step 2 I talked about taking the first steps. Although these may be small at first the aim is for you to get your life in motion and find more energy for yourself.
Step 3 is about how to find that energy. If you want to achieve lasting change in your life you are going to have to feel successful in the steps you are taking. What are you really passionate about that you are not doing now? What makes your heart sing? I suggest you concentrate on those areas of life that will bring you the biggest gains first. That means don’t necessarily look at the relationship part first, look at those parts that you can achieve on your own.
Step 4 – Commitment to yourself first
Guess what, you need to fix your life first and a relationship that you desire will follow. This sounds like a tall order but I can assure you it works like that. Your first commitment is to yourself and getting all the pieces of your life in order so that you can have the future that you desire.
How can you keep that commitment? Step 4 is you putting your agenda at the top of your list of priorities. This is not about being selfish but about being self-focused and self-disciplined. Take the situation when you have promised yourself that you will do a particular task that will move you towards your vision. A friend phones, she is lonely and would like to meet for a drink. It is easy for you to give up on your task after all you want to be a good friend but it is more important to remind yourself about your priorities. After all you can meet her tomorrow night. So don’t put off those things that move you further down your path.
Step 5 – Making a plan and sticking to it.
It is so easy to let life get in the way and find yourself back where you were. Therefore the most important part is having a plan for your life and for relationships that will keep you focused on moving forward.
My suggestion is that Step 5 is for you draw up a plan. It will have different areas for the different parts of your life. Then ask yourself what can I do this week, this month, this 6 months to move forward? Now it is time to make appointments with yourself, but your tasks in your diary. Be kind to yourself and don’t make them too big or too many just slow and steady. See yourself being successful in ticking them off week by week.
June 7th, 2006
by Trisha
I want a relationship BUT…
When talking to singles about relationship there is one theme that I often hear “I would like to be in a relationship BUT I don’t have the time”. This is particularly prevalent for the 30 age group. You are trying to build your careers, you have a lot of pressure and dating and finding a relationship is not top of your list. Although you think it is! Recently I asked a client to list her life goals in terms of priorities and relationships came 6th for her. She found this quite a revelation especially as I was working with her as a relationship coach.
Old habits – last minute
Old habits die hard. Most of us have been brought up with a last minute attitude. This originated in our education system where we aimed at external deadlines. Let’s face it in the main we are not taught to plan our lives very effectively.
So we get used to back loading our tasks and activities. I have all these things to do and not much time so I don’t need to think about this until the week before. Then the adrenaline kicks in and we push ourselves to the finishing post often accompanied by a lot of anxiety and stress. I have termed this kind of behaviour the ‘deadline junkie’. You know that it would be better to arrange your life differently but somehow you are caught in a treadmill.
Relationship Time - speed-dating /internet dating/bar culture
How is this translated into the dating scene? Well we have all seen the ballooning of speed-dating, internet dating and the bar culture. These ways of meeting potential dates and finding relationships has become part of the 21st century culture because of peoples’ perceived lack of time. If you perceive yourself as having little time then you look for the ‘fastest’ and most efficient way of doing things.
After all you meet a lot of people in a very short amount of time. This way of looking at dating and finding relationships is the ‘numbers game’ attitude. The more people I meet the more likely I am to meet someone who is for me. Well I would like to dispel that myth; it is not about numbers but essentially about quality and fit. How can you go about being more effective in finding quality and fit in dating and relationships?
Creating space & balance for relationships and dating
Creating space and balance in life sounds like an old cliché. Be more pro-active in planning and take steps to find more quality time for activities where you are more likely to find a quality relationship.
For a week note down how much time you spend on the following activities: work, friends/family, dating activity (including all those hours on the internet), health, home, personal development plus any other major activity. Now think about the efficiency of the activities.
Research into relationships has shown that you are much more likely to meet someone if you are involved in an activity in which you both have a strong interested. This is not hanging about in bars or speed- dating but something like off-road biking, photography, salsa dancing, volunteering etc. Whatever the activity that interests you, if at all possible something you are passionate about, then not only will you be balancing your life BUT be putting yourself in a situation where you are more likely to meet prospective quality dates.
Take the Time for Relationships
So take a cool hard look at the balance of your life. I work with people on their relationships and help them to plan their lives as successful singles whilst looking for a relationship. Being successfully single includes offering a potential relationship a fully rounded person not a 20 second response (that is what it takes in speed-dating & internet dating).
And remember if you don’t have much time then you want to use what you have as effectively and efficiently as possible to date and find a relationship. Remember if you fail to plan then you plan to fail.
May 25th, 2006
by Trisha
Keeping Dating in Balance
A week or so more and you are becoming slightly irritated by the emails and are not responding quite so readily. But he asks you if you want to come out for another evening and that heart leaps to your throat again. You agree even though there is a vague memory of discomfort from the first meeting. Well you remind yourself that all the dating advice recommends that it is about getting to know someone. I can’t expect to feel comfortable about everything immediately. He is suggesting dinner again, you don’t really want to but you are not sure what you want to do so you go along with it. You had arranged to see a girl-friend that night but you tell her you can’t make it, she seems a bit put-out but you put that thought aside.
The second evening seems very long.
• Not paying enough attention to the signals – it is amazing how quickly we can get ourselves into habits and relationships, however new, are one of those areas. We all like attention and contact with people but what about the rest of your life, those friends who have been around for you, your family. Anyone who might be for you will, you hope, want to share life with a person who has a balanced life and that includes all the other activities and people in your life. Straining towards exclusivity at a very early stage and throwing all your time and attention towards the relationship can be a disaster.
• Dating Advice #5: Get out there and have any dating and relationships fit in with your life as a successful single. Know what your requirements, needs and wants are and look for someone who can meet those.
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